Back in 2019, I promised to talk about the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ I was going through. I expected that at some point in the process, I’d be ready to share, ready to perhaps give insight and wisdom.
That’s the usual pattern – I’ll go through a thing, share what happened, share what helped, share what I’ve learned.
Sometimes, especially if it’s a thing I’ve been through a few times (burnout, meltdown, feeling like my book is no good (happens at least 34 times every book!)) I’ll share while I’m still in the depths of it, because
I know it well, and I know it will end.
With this latest Dark Night, I didn’t want to share, even when things started to get better…because of course, by then coronapocalypse had begun and we went into a collective Dark Night.
For those who don’t know, in 2019, I had an MS relapse.
My worst to date.
On my worst days, I had 2 good hours a day. And if you take your shower, getting dressed, and having breakfast out of that, it doesn’t leave a lot of day.
It was the worst I’d ever felt.
For months and months.
I hadn’t felt that down or depressed in more than 15 years.
And I didn’t know if or when it would get better.
Not a good time.
Then, as I say, coronapocalypse hit.
Around the same time, unbeknownst to me, I entered that joyous period of a woman’s life…perimenopause.
FFS.
My dark night of the soul, which had already been more like a dark season of the soul, extended into 4 years of dark night.
I had gone the natural route for my peri symptoms, and they did help for 2 years, but the symptoms steadily got worse and worse, until one day I thought ‘this is not me’.
I have dealt with fatigue for 20+ years of having MS.
I have dealt with low motivation, like many of us, some days (weeks), I just can’t be arsed.
But I always had an inner fire…and it felt like this fire was going out.
So off to the docs I went, HRT came into my life like an angel on medical wings, and suddenly now I’m ready to talk about my dark season of the soul.
Because this time for me it was not a dark night.
It was 4 years.
Of feeling disconnected from who I am.
Of being schooled and schooled and schooled in how to live with less and less energy and fire.
Of being out of tune with my soul.
For many years, I had been easily able to connect with my soul, but over the last 4 years, it’s been harder work.
There are changes coming – my website will be revamped, my facebook group renamed, the focus of my coaching changed.
I already know what the first 2 will look like.
The last one, I’m not so sure.
But for the first time in 4 years, I am not concerned that I don’t know yet.
I have got comfortable in the void.
I have got comfortable letting life lead (instead of trying to chivy life along).
I have got comfortable not working on my business and book when i don’t have the energy.
I cannot say I am fully comfortable with the book taking so long…but in the past I’d have been frantic with stress, trying to push myself to get it done.
I will not pretend that I am 100% comfortable with all this – I’d much rather it wasn’t happening at all.
But I have got more comfortable with it than ever before and that’ll do me – I’m not after perfection, progress will do.
Now, I’m on Irish, Canarian, or Jamaican time.
It’ll happen when it happens.
No point getting myslf all wound up over it!
I barely recognise myself. 
So this is the first in a series of articles about the dark season of the soul.
I’d love to know if any of this resonates with you.
I’d love to know if you have had (or are in) a dark season of the soul.
I know many of you are going through hard times, so if you are deep in that dark,wintry season and cannot see the first buds of spring (as I now, finally, can) let me know if you have any questions or if there’s something specific you need help to deal with.
Life isnt (sadly) all sunshine and roses and ocean breezes.
Sometimes it’s brutal and testing and painful.
So if you’re in that space right now, I’m sending you so much love and light.